I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
