Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
NoShamevember. You game?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
