And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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