genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
