he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
