I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
