I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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