I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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