what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize