cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
