Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
