We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
