gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
