He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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