My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize