Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
