do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
