Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Randomize
