Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
