life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You may now shotgun with the bride
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize