Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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