why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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