dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize