my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
