I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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