I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize