I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
