You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
