he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
