too bad you live with your parents still
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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