Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
