and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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