Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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