She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
