Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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