He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
