You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
