You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
