the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
