My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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