I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
