He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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