If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
