The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
