I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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