Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
