there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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