Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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