No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
