Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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