Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
