bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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