Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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