ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
