i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
