I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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