Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
