FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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