i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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