Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
