boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
