How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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