Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got chris browned last night
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
