Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
