he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
