I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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