I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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