So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
