I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
