she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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