Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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